


Sims Don't Prepare You For The Real Thing

by MyOwnCharacterInEverything



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Noodle Dragons, mentions a bunch of other characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-11-09 06:34:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11098914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyOwnCharacterInEverything/pseuds/MyOwnCharacterInEverything
Summary: In which Jesse plays the Sims, realizes Hanzo is a good teammate, and wrestles with a mysterious force called "feelings."





	Sims Don't Prepare You For The Real Thing

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Pros and Cons of Simulated Love](https://archiveofourown.org/works/663131) by [owlpostagain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/owlpostagain/pseuds/owlpostagain). 



Jesse McCree really isn’t sure how he got to this point. All he knows is that he found an ancient _ancient_ computer game called the Sims…Jesse forgets what number (Lord knows how many there were at this point), but he found an old copy of it when they were cleaning out the old storage rooms in Watchpoint: Gibraltar. He had laughed a bit, remembering how much fun he had with it when he was younger. Old Boss Reyes had given him an old copy when he found out Jesse had never played computer games before, and that lead to Jesse spending hours and hours on the computer. In that campaign, Torbjörn was best friends with Gérard, Reinhardt finally proposed to Captain Amari, and Old Boss Reyes woohooed with Commander Morrison in a closet. As bats. Because they were both vampires.

...yeah that was a weird campaign. But it had been fun, and Jesse had nothing better to do that day, so he booted up the game.

That was his first mistake.

Because the first Sim that popped up in the creation tool looked a lot like Lúcio, and the next thing Jesse knew, he had made an entire street full of just Overwatch avatars. Hana’s house was bright pink, Lena lived with her girlfriend, and Mei had a small white puppy named Snowball. And perhaps he got a little _too_ into it, because he found himself annoyed with the most ridiculous things: Zarya never seemed bulky enough, Junkrat’s hair wasn’t right, and don’t even get him _started_ on Winston and the omnics…

But here’s where Jesse really and truly lost it. See, a lot of the people in Overwatch were defined by their pasts. For example, Australia’s government completely screwed over their people with their decisions, and so the Junkers had trouble with authority figures. Mercy lost her parents to war, and so she was a staunch advocate for peace. But in the Sims, there wasn’t exactly a way to program a tragic backstory for each Sim. And so Jesse…may or may not have had to improvise. Embellish. Stretch the truth a little bit.

After all, he has no reason to believe whatsoever to believe that Hanzo was an amazing lifeguard, but so what? So what if Genji had a career in dance? So what if Bastion had a secret passion for photography? Because these characters weren’t real, right? They just happened to be inspired by people he knew.

But because they were inspired by people he knew, Jesse still tried to make it as accurate as possible. Take Hanzo again for instance. Even though there wasn’t a way to program the tattoo dragons, Hanzo was still a disciplined austere character. He was athletic and loved the outdoors, and he was constantly cleaning the house he shared with Genji. Yet despite that, he knew how to work with other people and trained them to not fall on the treadmill. (Which Jesse found ridiculous by the way. Falling on your face that often was physically impossible.)

But as he watched Hanzo get promotions at work and eventually become the head supervisor of the pool, Jesse realized that without the angst, Hanzo was...actually really cute. Hanzo the Sim did yoga with Zenyatta and complimented Roadhog’s barbecue. He worked out with Fareeha and Zarya before knitting with Satya and Efi. He played video games with Hana and Genji after drank tea with Mei. He was hard-working, quietly considerate… If he looked like the real Hanzo and acted like his Sim version? Damn, he’d be one hell of a catch…

And that was when Jesse decided that he had had enough of the Sims for one day. Clearly, if he found a pile of pixels attractive, he needed to take a break.

* * *

It was quiet on the transport back to Gibraltar. Except for the occasional pained hiss from Hanzo, who was the notably injured one on this mission. And that was because he had dived in out of nowhere and shoved Hana out of the way, taking a hit as she summoned another mech. Now, Angela, the good ol’ Doc, had left to wash her hands after tending to Hanzo’s wounds, and next to Jesse, Soldier 76 was grumbling about how kids these days had no self-preservation whatsoever. Hana was apologizing profusely, and Hanzo quietly took whatever it was that his teammates were giving him… And Jesse?

Jesse thought to himself: _Man. That’s exactly the kind of selfless garbage that Hanzo would do in the Sims_.

And the minute he realized he was comparing a pile of pixels to a _real live breathing human being_ , Jesse slapped himself in the face. Hard. With his left metal hand. And as a startled Mei produced some ice for Jesse’s newly bruised cheek, Hanzo scowled at him from across the way. His two dragons had left his tattoo to curl protectively around their master’s neck and were now watching Jesse intently.

“Perhaps Dr. Ziegler should examine you as well,” Hanzo said. “Clearly, there is something wrong with your head.”

Jesse, whose pride was now just as subtly bruised as his face, could only groan and tilt his head up at the ceiling. He prayed to God that no one could see his burning face through his sun-tanned skin because this… This was just embarrassing. Because Hanzo? Showing _concern_? Good Lord, he was never going to escape the idea of high-and-mighty Hanzo secretly being a good guy, was he?

“Next time, maybe I should be the one to get my sorry ass shot,” Jesse grumbled, tugging his hat over his face, “Then I’d be unconscious, so I’d just shut up for once. Yeah, that’d save everyone a lot of trouble…”

Jesse heard one of Hanzo’s dragons growl at that. Clearly, the little critter wasn’t going to let him die of embarrassment in peace. Ain’t Jesse just a lucky guy?

* * *

Jesse McCree, reading an old beat-up western novel, sat next to a gently sunlit window in comfortable clothing. It was late in the soft Saturday morning, and the cup of coffee next to him was heaven. And it was almost completely perfect.

Almost, because not too far away, Lúcio was explaining math homework to Hana for the third time. (Because of Overwatch’s busy schedule, most of Hana’s college education was online.) Now, Lúcio was gentle, and Hana was a smart kid, but to both their frustrations (and frankly Jesse was getting there too from just _hearing_ them) Hana just wasn't understanding this particular concept.

“Here,” came a sudden voice.

And lo and behold, because this was how Jesse’s life worked now, Hanzo placed a hand on Hana’s shoulder and took the pencil from Lúcio. He proceeded to draw a picture or diagram or something, occasionally pointing to different parts of it as he explained the concept himself.

When he finished, Hana scowled.

“Wait…that's it?! But that's stupidly easy!”

Hanzo shrugged. “It is simple geometry, after all…”

Lúcio, however, was confused. “That was pretty much what I said?”

“Not quite,” Hanzo replied. “Hana is a visual learner, so she just needed a little assistance. You, however, are an auditory learner, so you explained it in a way that already made sense to you.”

Hana stared at Hanzo, and from over the brim of his old book, Jesse was doing the same. Because not only did it mean that Hanzo observed his teammates’ learning styles, it also meant that he cared enough to commit them to memory.

“I grew tired of you hearing you explain it over and over,” Hanzo said, and if Jesse didn't know better, he would have said Hanzo sounded a little defensive.

“Well,” Hana grumbled. “That makes two of us then.”

Hanzo gave Hana one last reassuring pat on her shoulder and left the two of them to continue working, with Lúcio thanking Hanzo and quickly adapting his tutoring to help Hana.

From across the room, Jesse was internally screaming. He just had a vision of Sim!Hanzo gently teaching new lifeguards to do their jobs, and he just about lost it.

 _This ain't fair. No siree, not at all_.

Real!Hanzo wasn't _supposed_ to be so… _so_ … _helpful_.

_What in tarnation…_

* * *

If you asked Jesse McCree ten years ago what he thought he would be doing now…he probably wouldn’t have said “sitting in the back corner of soccer stadium bleachers for moral support.” But here he was, out in the Spanish sun, as Hana and Junkrat screamed at Lúcio to obliterate the other team. It was a good game, but Jesse had to keep himself from screaming with them. He wanted to keep a low profile, what with the bounty still on his head after all. (It wasn’t likely that anyone in Europe knew who he was, but still…)

But Jesse was startled out of his thoughts when suddenly, Hanzo appeared on the bleacher stairs and shoved himself onto the remaining six inches of the bleacher, right up against Jesse’s left side.

It was out of Jesse’s mouth before he could stop it.

“What the Sam Hill are _you_ doing here?” A little rude, Jesse knew. But he still felt justified in asking. He didn’t get his answer right away; instead, he felt Hanzo’s twin dragons perching themselves on each of his shoulders.

“...Lúcio is on the team,” Hanzo replied at length, half of his attention still on the soccer field. Like he was actually _invested_ in what was going on…

“...right,” Jesse’s brain managed. “That’s why those two are here.” He pointed at Hana and Junkrat. “But you?”

Hanzo turned to frown at him. “Because Lúcio is on the team,” he repeated. Then he turned his attention back to the game and proceeded to pump his fist in the air as Lúcio scored a goal.

Jesse could not compute. Partly because of the dragons slithering around his neck, but also because _Hanzo_ ? A supportive _soccer dad_?

_What's next, he watches all of Hana’s gaming competitions?_

He must have said that out loud, because Hana spoke up on his right. “You do know that he’s the one that gets me snacks during placement tournaments, right?”

Jesse thought of Sim!Hanzo baking cookies, and he just about lost it.

He wanted to slap himself again, and he lifted his hand in order to do so.

But because the universe decided that Jesse’s internal crisis wasn’t enough, Hanzo swiftly caught his metal wrist and held his hand hostage to keep him from hitting himself again, all without Hanzo turning his gaze from the soccer field.

Cue more of Jesse’s mental screaming.

The dragons snuffling his face didn't help one bit.

* * *

Someone asked Hanzo on a date, and Jesse was furious.

Now hold on, let’s start over from the beginning.

Hanzo _the Sim_ was asked on a date, but it was still Real!Jesse that was upset.

He prayed to God that his _Abuelita_ ( _descansa en paz_ ) would forgive him for cussing out a lady, because breaking the gentlemen rule was absolutely necessary in this case. After all, what kind of _heartless bitch_ got her sorry ass saved by a hot lifeguard, thanks him by asking him out on a date, gets him all dressed up nice and pretty, and _stands him up_?!

Well, justice wasn’t a creature that dispensed itself, so he dressed her up in the tackiest bathing suit he could find and led her to the community pool in the middle of the night, where he put her in the pool and deleted all the ladders.

Now somewhere in the back of his head, Jesse thought that perhaps, _perhaps_ that was a bit overboard. But the rest of him didn’t really care: after all, no one was going to miss that two-simoleon hooker. ( _Lo siento, Abuelita_.) In fact, he decided, this called for a celebration.

So he made a Sim!Jesse McCree and stuck him in the town. After all, it wasn’t fair that everyone but him was had a Sim in the game. But if he secretly hoped that Sim!Jesse would “accidentally” wander into the pool? Well. No one needed to know _that_ . But maybe Sim!Jesse would ask Sim!Hanzo on a date as a thank you for saving him. Sim!Jesse would wine and the hell out Sim!Hanzo and _not_ stand him up like that stupid _puta_ … ( _Lo siento otra vez, Abuelita._ )

Hanzo wouldn't know what hit him.

* * *

Hanzo Shimada (in real life this time) was grocery shopping.

First of all, how horribly domestic, but that wasn’t even the worst part.

The worst part is that this week’s episode didn’t even start out that badly.

Jesse had been out with Genji, their bro time outside of Watchpoint: Gibraltar having been reduced to grocery runs with Angela due to Genji’s memorable appearance and the bounty on Jesse’s head. (Also, Genji was too twitterpated to stomach being alone with the Doc, so he always wanted Jesse there too. And speaking of twitterpated, no one needed to know that Jesse watched ancient Disney movies alone in his room…  But seriously, _Bambi_ was an underrated masterpiece.) And Jesse was fine with that. Time in Blackwatch only taught them how to have fun while doing mundane stuff like this. After all, when you had to stake out, run for your life and be undercover a lot, normal errands became exciting.

In any case, there was a tiny little local shop where Genji liked to pick up tea, and every time he, Angela and Jesse went, there was always a herd of children in the store selling stuff from the store bakery. The kids belonged to the family who owned the store, and hearing them all clamoring through the store reminded Jesse of a time long passed, of faceless cousins and nearly forgotten siblings…

Well, it would do him no good to dwell upon the past, so he focused on watching little five-year-old Carlos kiss the back of Angela’s hand, telling her that she was a very pretty lady. Angela, like the good sport she was, laughed and thought he was adorable.

“ _Hey look Genji_ ,” Jesse mused in Spanish. “ _The kid has more guts than you do_.”

Now back in Blackwatch, knowing Spanish was as natural as knowing how to shoot, so Genji, convinced by Angela to go out without his faceplate today, only glared at Jesse. Genji was probably thanking Heaven that, while the good ol’ Doc was indeed a genius, she didn’t know a lick of Spanish. But the annoyed look on Genji’s face quickly changed to a confused one.

“ _What is my brother doing here?_ ” Genji muttered in Spanish.

Now even though experience taught Jesse that curiosity killed bigger creatures than cats, he turned around anyway, and there indeed, in the tiny little local shop, was a wild Hanzo Shimada. Now, Jesse too wondered what Hanzo was doing here, but that was before he realized that the little seven-year-old triplet girls were making a beeline towards their newest victi—er, _customer_. See, Carmen, Paola and Beatriz were fearsome little creatures, and Jesse swore up and down that they would make terrifying lawyers or businesswomen or whatever sort of career they chose, because they were amazing at showcasing and selling their product. Or rather, getting adults to do whatever it was they wanted.

In this case, they, along with Carlos and the other children, were selling churros: freshly handmade in their family's store bakery. Of course, the adorable children easily weakened the defenses of most shoppers. Carlos charmed ladies like Angela, and even two-year-old Santiago was getting there, following his older brother’s example. The triplets also knew how to get their way: albeit with a different strategy entirely. (Although, Jesse himself didn’t need much convincing; he was now the shameless owner of twenty _churros con chocolate_ because that shit was delicious, okay?)

But the minute he saw the army of children headed towards Hanzo, he thought, _Oh, I have_ _got_ _to see this…_

Because Hanzo was awkward enough with people his age, so how much more for children? Good lord, to see that man scowling at equally stubborn little girls would be hilarious, and—

—that never happened.

Instead, Hanzo crouched down to their level, looked each girl in the eye, and nodded seriously as they explained the different kinds of churros. And Jesse’s _Abuelita_ was probably laughing somewhere in Heaven, because the scary Hanzo Shimada humoring a bunch of seven-year-old girls was the most heart-wrenchingly adorable thing that Jesse had ever seen in his life. His life was just one giant surreal joke.

_You are the worst, Hanzo Shimada. I can’t even look at you, what the Sam Hill?_

And because it just wasn’t Jesse’s day, he must have said that out loud because suddenly, Hanzo’s eyes were piercing Jesse to the core.

Jesse felt the need to start backing away. So that was what he did, with his hands out in front of him cautiously. And he kept backing away: Hanzo’s gaze still trained on him. That is, until he felt himself stumble and—

* * *

Jesse McCree woke up in Watchpoint: Gibraltar’s medbay. His head throbbed a little, and lights were bright, but otherwise, he felt fine. He could hear Genji fiddling around with a plastic bag in the good ol’ Doc’s adjoining office, so the door must have been open. He idly wondered who carried him here or where the Doc was (because actually, she liked talking to Genji. A _lot_.) But no. A man had priorities.

“Where the hell are my churros?” Jesse grumbled. There was no need to call out; the medbay was designed so the Doc (or Genji in this case) could hear what was going on while the office door was open.

There was a pause, and then a yell in reply. Because apparently, Genji couldn’t get up and peek his head out the office door. “ _That_ is the first thing you ask after waking up? Not ‘what happened?’ or ‘how did I get here?’?!”

Jesse scowled. “Churros are important, Genji. In fact, you probably ate them all while I was out.”

Genji, the horrible best friend he was, just ignored him. “You seriously do not remember _tripping over nothing and hitting your head on a store shelf?!_ ”

Jesse was not deterred. “Genji, I swear, if you ate my churros—”

“If you must know,” a new voice said, “your churros are in the Watchpoint pantry. I labeled your bag and put them behind your coffee beans.”

Three guesses who that was.

Jesse tried to sit up, immediately regretting it when the headache pulsed in protest. His brain also protested because _oh shit look who’s walking in_ —

“Dr. Ziegler said you did not have a concussion,” Hanzo was saying as he approached Jesse’s bed. “However, she also said she wanted to keep you here for further rest. Genji has finally convinced her to go take a nap, so I volunteered to feed you in the meantime.”

By now, Hanzo was next to the bed, setting down a tray of food. More specifically, a tray of breakfast food. Jesse was a _sucker_ for breakfast food. Like, were those pancakes? Oh boy, pancakes totally _shat_ on waffles. And were those scrambled eggs? Man, scrambled eggs were so much better than normal fried eggs. And he was pretty sure he could smell bacon—

— _wait_. Did this mean _Hanzo was bringing him breakfast in bed?! An_ American diner _breakfast, no less._

“Here, have some coffee,” Hanzo said, picking up a mug. “Black, yes?”

Which meant that Hanzo knew how Jesse took his coffee, _despite being a staunch advocate for tea_ —

“Oh no,” Jesse moaned. “Absolutely _not_ , Hanzo Shimada.”

Hanzo looked confused. _Hurt_ , almost. “I recall you ranting last week about how milk and sugar were for pus—”

“ _Not the damn coffee, Shimada_ ,” he snapped.

Now Hanzo scowled. Yup, he was definitely upset. That stupid eyebrow of his was twitching. “I—”

“ _No! Not another goddamn word! Just_ —” Frustrated, Jesse wrestled himself out of his serape, throwing it angrily at the foot of his bed. Jesse ran his hands across his face, only to hear skittering claws. He looked up just in time to watch Hanzo’s dragons burrowing themselves into the discarded serape.

At length, Jesse finally gave a defeated sigh, feeling the last of his dignity crumble under Hanzo’s intense gaze.

“It ain’t fair,” he complained, refusing to look at Hanzo. “‘Cuz I was fine when you were just a video game character, but you’re also this...this... _nice_ in real life too?!”

Hanzo, understandably enough, looked horribly adorably confused.

Jesse tugged his hat over his face. “There ain’t no way I can explain this without sounding absolutely cuckoo—”

“Cuckoo?”

“—so just let me have my food, and I can die of humiliation in peace.”

Jesse then picked up the pancakes and began to eat them. He would have moaned aloud at how good the pancakes were, but… Well, he had an audience. Hanzo watched as his dragons, apparently still attracted to food, scrambled up to Jesse’s shoulders. And because Jesse felt like he ought to do something with Hanzo watching, he let each dragon have a few bites of his eggs. _Huh. So they_ can _eat. Weird._

Eventually, as Jesse and the dragons finished the eggs and were about halfway through the pancakes, Hanzo broke the silence. “A video game character?”

Jesse paused, but then he made the same decision that got him everywhere else in life.

_Fuck it._

“Ever heard of the Sims?” Jesse asked, avoiding Hanzo’s gaze by cutting more pancakes and feeding the dragons instead. _If I pretend it’s not a big deal, maybe he won’t kill me_.

Hanzo’s brow furrowed a little. “Yes? Genji used to play it when we were younger. But what does that have to do with—” Jesse watched as all the blood rushed to Hanzo’s face. “I assume you made Sim versions of Overwatch, correct?”

“I bet _my_ Sim is the best looking,” Genji yelled. Because not only was Genji was a horrible best friend, he was also a dirty, dirty eavesdropper. “Also, I better not be dating Zenyatta. I swear everyone thinks that we are dating—”

“You and the Doc are _very_ happy together,” Jesse yelled back through a mouthful of pancakes. And because revenge was sweet, Jesse swallowed and added, “In fact, I think you cried the first time you guys woohooed. Lord knows _I_ did. It was scarring.”

Hanzo, face still red, looked like he was questioning his life decisions. (Jesse almost forgot he was there. Almost. It’s hard to forget the source of all your embarrassment.)

“But yeah, the Sims,” Jesse said, turning back to Hanzo after finishing the pancakes. “Your Sim is obnoxiously nice to everyone: little kids, neighborhood grandmas, all the dogs and cats. You nerd out over anime and manga, and you're the best lifeguard the town has to offer. Everyone loves you because you’re so goddamn _helpful_ , and that was fine when you were just a Sim. _But Hanzo. You cannot be this fucking attractive in real life; my heart can’t take it!_ ”

Hanzo blinked once. Twice. “I… My apologies?”

Jesse sighed, putting the plate on the bedside table. “Just…just let me figure out what’s gonna kill me first. Public humiliation, you suffocating me for embarrassing you, or you being sweet as pie and killing me with kindness.”

Hanzo was quiet, long enough to make Jesse squirm at his thoughtful expression.

“You, Jesse McCree,” he said after a long pause, “are the strangest man I have ever encountered. However, you bring up an interesting situation.”

Hanzo sat down on the bed next to him, Jesse made an unflattering choking noise that conveyed confusion.

“Humiliation, suffocation, or sweetness,” Hanzo mused. “Of course, I could simply use all three at once.”

Jesse gulped, but he didn’t even get a chance to ask what Hanzo meant. In fact, there was no time for anything because _holy hell, Hanzo is kissing him_ . _Very VERY enthusiastically…_

And as lonely and repressed and awkward as he was, Jesse McCree knew what to do when his crush kissed him: he kissed Hanzo back with just as much enthusiasm.

When they parted, Hanzo gave Jesse a smug little grin that left him almost as breathless as the kiss did.

“I hope watching Angela and I have pixelated sex scars you for all of eternity,” Genji huffs as he slams the door to the Doc’s office and leaves the medbay.

Jesse felt himself flush, and Hanzo gave an amused chuckle.

“I think you've suffered enough embarrassment for today,” Hanzo said kindly. “Now come. Finish your bacon.”

“Only if you share it with me,” Jesse said shyly.

Hanzo smiled and took the offered strip of bacon.

And for a little while, as Jesse chewed his own strip of bacon, it was quiet. _Too_ quiet.

“About your Sims…” Hanzo began. When Jesse stiffened, Hanzo continued gently, “Relax. I simply wish to ask one question. And only one, I swear by my honor.”

Jesse, with no small amount of suspicion and caution, was still morbidly curious. “What is it?”

“Did you make a Sim of yourself?”

And because today seemed to be a day of _too much_ honesty, Jesse admitted that he did as he picked up the mug of coffee. “In fact, he moved in with your Sim last week, and since then, they’ve woohooed in every place programmed with a woohoo option.”

Hanzo, who looked rather flattered, _preened_ at that. “Well, I do believe we have some catching up to, then.”

Jesse choked on his coffee.

* * *

Genji kind of avoided Jesse and Hanzo for a few of the weeks that followed the medbay incident. Angela, with a bemused chuckled, congratulated the new couple on behalf of them both and told them that Genji would come around eventually.

Hanzo wished her luck with his brother, and Jesse built Sim!Genji and Sim!Angela their own house as a means of apology. Speaking of the Sims, Jesse introduced Hanzo to the wacky world of Sims, and Hanzo was happy to learn about the game that got them together.

And Jesse decided that while Sims don’t prepare you for the real thing, getting to date the real Hanzo was so much sweeter. Hanzo, who liked proving to Jesse why he was better than his Sim counterpart, agreed wholeheartedly. Hanzo’s twin dragons are also happy about the development, and Jesse makes them pancakes every weekend.

(By the way, Sim!Hanzo and Sim!Jesse are getting married in the spring and are happy dog parents to [a pom named Tumbleweed](https://ludwigplayingthetrombone.tumblr.com/search/tumbleweed/), a golden retriever named [Bessie](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8087845), and [a white Samoyed named Princess Yuki](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10611810/chapters/23466381).)

**Author's Note:**

> So it's not really clear, but my goal here was to write an antisocial McCree and a more social Hanzo. I mean, in the Reflections comic, McCree was alone, and Hanzo was out living life. So.
> 
> Also! You cannot tell me that Hanzo wouldn't be smug because someone had a crush on him. The guy might have self-esteem issues, but that is different from pride. Hanzo knows what he wants and what he's capable of, so of course he totally gets why someone would be into him.
> 
> The dogs at the end are linked because who doesn't love McHanzo with dogs? Bessie isn't specifically a golden retriever, and her creator said she wasn't, but I love goldens too much to not put one in.


End file.
